Ink Blot

Dreaming of Words (and hoping it’s not a nightmare)

2010-11-04T04:40:00.000-07:00

I always wanted to be a writer. Actually, I desperately wished to be one. Well, I tried. God knows I really did. All those papers dumped into trash bin, those torn and creased sheets scattered on my bedroom floor, those wasted lines of poetry I have attempted to do – they all bore witness of my desire to master the art of the pen.

I, unfortunately, cannot recall to memory the very first piece I wrote. Fortunately, though, I wouldn’t have to remember how hideous it could have been. But one thing is certain: those letters I diligently and carefully learned to write some ten long years ago held so much magic I dared not say no to the pull of putting them together to create a masterpiece. Or at least something worthwhile to read. And I’m glad that I’m still as captured as I was to that magic.

Opportunities came knocking on my doors, surprisingly. And I took advantage, of course. (You know what they say about opportunities getting too impatient on tapping doors.) It was through opening doors that I got to have this editorial position in one of my university’s publications. Though it remains uncertain if I had wrongly picked up the door, I have to say that I was actually thrilled to fill in such big shoes of responsibility. And hey, it’s now a mile closer to my as-distant-as-the-moon wish.

I thought it was all fun. Like the Powerpuff stuff – sugar, spice and everything nice. But barely halfway through my term, I realized that I would not be spared from the proverbial nights of worries and headaches. Managing a newspaper proved to be a not-so-easy job; in fact, it was a fatal one. No, I’m not referring to all these media killings. I’m talking about horrible nights - sleepless, at one point; nightmarish at some – and stress levels up the bar. See, we had excellence as a goal. And when you have such a really ideal vision, you are bound to commit mistakes in the process. My paper became known for the unforgiveable typographical errors which earned us an unpleasant reputation. Our adviser had called me a poor leader and accused me of insubordination before finally declaring she’s quitting. My staff, though competent, was very unmanageably difficult. And I have, regretfully, done a lot more whose effects and consequences no correction ink could conceal. I touched huge personal egos. I irked people’s feelings. I shook foundations. I unchained links. I messed up. Real bad.

But I enjoyed it, nevertheless. I had a taste of how it felt to be finally writing for an audience. (For years, I had contented myself assuming both the roles of the writer and the reader.) It was fulfilling, I can say. It made me feel like I may have done something right seeing people read our paper. Through the bitter and nasty remarks, I taste the sweetness of being able to make my ideas and views materialize into print.

Though I’m not sure if I made sense or I actually just sucked, it does feel great to have that one shot at fulfilling my wish. I missed, perhaps, but I have learned. And I will continue living by my dream. I shall write as long as I live, as long as the words still live in me. I know I may never reach the heights of Shakespeare or Rowling or Bob Ong but hey, you’re not a writer because of your readers. You are because of what you write.

Reaching Standards and Falling Short (or Does Failing Require a Standard?)

2010-11-04T04:33:00.000-07:00

Grade 5, circa 2002 – I flunked my Music final examinations. I got 26 out of 50. I was totally devastated. I cursed myself for not knowing what adagio and pianissimo are. I did not mention a thing to my parents. I said, “I’ll get out of this myself.” That was my first taste of academic failure.

3rd year college, 8 long years after, circa 2010 – After a gruesome semester of failing and hanging on to the half mark of my Accounting requirements, I got my first ever 70+ grade. I scored a 77 and another 78 in my two 6-unit major subjects. I could not tell a thing to my parents. I could not say a thing to myself either. They soon found out. And they were devastated. I felt like I was a failure.

---

I was an achiever. Or so I thought. Constantly, I would cheer my parents up for getting good grades. Not excellent grades, but good ones. The kind that would make everybody say that you’re intelligent. The kind that placed me on the upper echelons of the academic rankings. The kind that gained parents’, the Alma Mater’s, and believers’ pride. The kind I got used to having.

It was my standard. Getting something below 85 was below my average mark. This may sound arrogant and self-conceited. But people who have lived a life of endless expectations will understand with no explanations needed. I know it’s not low – my arithmetic knowledge is not faulty. But the standard has been set. Falling below it is a disappointment. A failure.

For years, I managed to surpass the limits. My parents had come to believe that I would carry on. They looked at me like I was the Pope. Like I was infallible. Like I don’t commit mistakes. Well, I tried. I thought I could because I know I could. I have always believed in my capabilities. I know, with the right push, I can make it. And I have the dream, the dream to excel. Not against anybody, maybe; but excelling my own personal limits. I needed the fuel to pursue the dream, and believing that I could was the most potent.

But I fell short. I failed. I am not a Pope. I stained my almost immaculate transcript with grades of doom that screamed of mediocrity. (My mom thinks otherwise. She terms it ignorance, the sloth style.) And though I know better that there’s no way anybody could carry the weight of the earth, it felt like such a huge mass crumbled over me like an avalanche. Years of glorious academic successes revisited me like memories of the good old past that would never be relished again.

For a while, I resulted to blame and finger-pointing. I blamed my teacher for the Board-like examinations and all those nasty near-death experiences fulfilling his requirements. I blamed the school for employing such heartless educators and making us pay for them. I blamed my course for its excruciating nature. I blamed the books for not teaching me enough. I blamed my parents for the expectations whose heights surpassed Everest. I blamed Luck for not siding by me this time. I blamed my neighbor’s canines that would howl like demons during the wee hours of the morning. But most of all, I blamed myself. For the standard I placed upon me. For the inadequacy and incapability. For expecting too much of myself.

I’m in grief now. It approximates the grief people feel when something real valuable had been lost. It feels like a bit of myself died. Though I know I can still revive that dying part, I also know that whatever I do now would not bring it back unscathed. I can make myself pledge to do better next time, to never take left turns that distract me from following the path, and to keep an eagle’s-eye focus on my prospect but my Fate would still be left like it is now – hazy and undecided. I could devise a plan to bring it all back but then a break from impressing everyone sounds more appealing to me now. All I wanna do is to take the standard out of my system and play my own game. And be left in it alone that I may win it my way.

Don't Sing That Song

2010-08-04T11:14:00.001-07:00

You can dream every night about him and wish that you were his.
You can build your castles in air and pray like a saint for his kiss.
You can publish your own novelette of a love that would stand the test of time.
And you can write your names; together as one, side by side in a line.

You can imagine your both hands wrapped up with his in a tight knot.
Or you can rest your head on the illusions you’ve made up.
You can close your wishful eyes and think he’s beside you.
You can gather the shooting stars to make all your dreams true.

You can have him. Well, that’s if he wants to be yours.
You can stay and wait like his dog every evening by his locked doors.
You can call yourself the princess. (Though you look better as the frog.)
You can hope against hope that he’d see past through the smog.

You can dream, of course. Everyone can.
But fantasies, you’ve forgotten, are meant to end.
It’s time to wake up dear and continue going on.
So please, could you now stop singing our song?

I'm Here for Us

2010-05-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

drop that frowning
screw that sulking
what's stopping you from smiling?
I'm here to keep you glowing

wipe your eyes of those tears
shoo away your intimate fears
scream it all out, I'll be near
I'm here to swear I won't disappear

'cause we can make everything right
can bring colors to the darkest night
can spread our wings and take flight
can spin dreams with our fingers entwined
can slide our ways through every rainbow
can conquer the heavens and the earth below
can banish the monster off our shadows
can paint the earth and leave it in awe

we gotta do it together
believe in our power
I'm here for US

no need to look back now
celebrate; I'll show you how
we'll weather the storm, that's a vow
I'm here and I'll always be around

spill out your secrets
be not afraid, don't you hesitate
trust me 'cause you wont have to hide it
I'm here to be the one you wanna be with

'cause we fit in just so easily
like beautiful notes to a sweet melody
like carefully-thought rhymes to a poetry
like rose buds that fill the air with beauty
can shine like stars because we glitter
can paint the horizons in perfect color
can amaze the universe like we're blockbusters
can make them jealous of the way we're together

no way we can't make it forever
our future's tinted gold and silver
I'm here for Us

don't go looking too far
I'm just a call away
erase the blues out your radar
I'm here to stay

I'm here for us
take my hand now
I love you much
we'll make it through somehow

Unmoved

2010-04-09T01:35:00.000-07:00

I could have not moved on
That afternoon we drifted apart
When tears flooded our pillows
And wipes littered our bedroom floors
The load was much too heavy
I could have burst out
Like an A-bomb, like supernova
(But anyway, I didn’t)
I held on to our memories
To our photographs and letters
Whose edges cut me open
I let the walls of my room
Embrace the scent you’ve left it
I wanted to feel you still
Because I could have not moved on

I tried to move on
That night you told me you already did
I cried, my pillows won’t take it any longer
And my waste bin choked out the wipes I threw
The load felt like a ton
I could have withered instantly like weed
Like a rag doll, like sand tossed in the wind
(But, anyway, I still didn’t)
I tried to endure holding on
To those damn painful mementos
That bore into me like poison, like hydrochloric acid
Whose sting got me burnt
I let the fire muffle the shouts
Get suffocated by the flames and smoke
I wanted to feel my heart
So I tried to move on

I can not move on
Each morning I long for you
I miss how we slept in one pillow
How we tidied up our floors
The loads of sweets we had
I could have hugged you real hard
Like dear teddy, like a lost lover
(But, anyway, you weren’t here)
The thoughts of us keep me hanging
The strings are still left attached
Whose length spans the years we’ve shared
I let you out, now I want you back
Rushing forth to follow your vanishing trail
I wanted my life again
My love, I could not move on.

I have been waiting for you.

2010-04-09T01:22:00.000-07:00

"I'll call you in the morning," you say
Three days has gone and my phone won't ring
Must've been the signal waves, or a network glitch

You tell me you'd be beeping me soon
But eight hours, twenty minutes; not a text at all
Might be busy, might be out somewhere

"We'll be together, not far too soon now."
I've been waiting for months now, and it's not funny
Perhaps a prank, one of those little jokes you have

Everytime, I tell you, "I'll wait."
Though I know you don't take it seriously
But you'll be back, I know you'll be back

And when you do,
You'd see...

I have been waiting for you.

The Second Hour

2010-04-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

It’s 2:08 AM
You’ve been asleep three hours since
You should have seen me
Here I sit with my legs crossed
Thinking about you
And how you ever managed
To let your eyelids fall down
When you know I’ve been crying

It’s 2:17 AM
You’re now probably snoring
While I get headaches
And heartaches no narcotics could cure
All because of you
And your truthful lies
Of how you cheated the love
Out of me; and, I was crying

It’s 2:43 AM
Perhaps you’re done with REM
While I watch my eyes sore and swell
For staring so hard at our photo
And the cut it now had along its center
I curse your name in shouts
And I beat my chest like crazy
And I was crying; yes, I was

It’s 2:55 AM
You’re at rest
I’m in hell

Your pills can’t shut me down

Before I Sleep

2010-04-03T04:21:00.000-07:00

I wish
We could trim it down
This distance that separates us
Because when I look up
I always wish you’ll shine through

I long
For that day that we won’t look
Too far anymore
Because my nose can touch yours
And my hand has finally found its pair

Because
This space in my bed awaits you
And this blanket on me yearns
For your touch and your embrace
My body searches for our heart

I miss you
So bad I bite my tongue
Every time your face comes into mind
And each time I think of you
I wish you were here

And that you’ll never have to
go away again.

FLAMES'd

2010-03-17T17:42:00.001-07:00

I sketched my name clumsily
Its curves distinctly mine
Then I followed it with yours
And marveled at the sight for a while
I crossed out some letters
Encircled some others
I had my fingers calculate
My pencil tip scratching, checking
Held my breath,
Closed my eyes,
Prayed for my destiny
Hoping it was you
But tragedy loves me
We’re but mere friends
This foolish game says so.

OK is not always enough

2010-03-17T17:40:00.001-07:00

Before I met you,
My world spun
I had days and nights
Afternoons and breaks
My heart beat
My blood flowed
My body moved
Flowers bloomed
Others withered
Rain fell
The sun shone
Before I met you,
It was okay.

When I did,
My world spun a little crazier
I had great days and nights
Fun afternoons and breaks
My heart beat faster
My blood flowed easier
My body moved more gracefully
Flowers bloomed prettier
Others died, but most remained
Rain fell hard, yes
But the sun shone a lot brighter
When I did meet you,
It was a lot more than okay.

Before I met you,
I loved my life.
When I did,
I loved it even more.

The Play

2010-03-17T17:39:00.001-07:00

One, two, three
Let the balls fly and swirl
Through wisps of air
Around imaginary hoops
Be caught by the play
Of colors dark and deadly
Fast and swift
The ellipsis is perfect
The circles drive me insane

Throw one up
Hurl another
And catch one
When one falls,
Don’t stop, go on
The show is up
‘Cause I’m a juggler
An experienced one

But I don’t wanna be a pro
My wrists, weak
My hands, limp
My palms, tired

I am no circus man.
Ovations need not be done.
I don’t wanna be a circus man.
Juggling isn’t so much fun.

a nightmare of dreams

2009-10-03T02:59:00.000-07:00

i stayed awake
i never wanted to close my eyes
because i don't want this to end
i've had enough of those dreams

but your eyes were closing now
you wanted to get away with this
because you said you needed it to end
you've had enough of these nightmares

and we were torn and tattered
bitter and broken and battered

we had different melodies
our voices never blended
our colors never matched

what a love story
of just mere endings

CHROME

2009-05-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

when i feel lonesome, tired and down
when my smiles look better as frowns
when it feels like there's no one to embraceme
when the colors fade and i can't see
i'll think of you and how you light me bright
you are the rainbow that makes me alright

when all things seem so black and cold
when there's nothing to cling on to and hold
when the warmth is gone and i'm left alone
when my voice doesn't seem like my own
i'll search the skies and look for you
you are the rainbow that sustains me through

when everything around seems just fine
when there's that glow that makes me shine
when there's much love it lets me be happy
when nothing else exists but you and me
i'll close my eyes and feel your embrace
you are the rainbow, with whom i shall stay

when i think of how you mean so much
when i long for your sight, smell and touch
when you tell me you love me and i begin to melt
when you kiss me sweet that's so heartfelt
i'll know how much i so love the whole of you
you are mine, you are my rainbow...

Suicide Note 1

2009-05-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

Tear my shoulder blades
Cut, slice up my skin
Let my wings hang loose
'Cause this time, I wanna fly

Unshuffle the tangles
Clear up the blood smears
Make it shine, make it white
'Cause this time, I wanna try

Now, I'll flap them fine
Flap them right, flap them wide
Ride the winds, soar up high
'Cause this time, I want the sky

Reach the horizons far
Through each subdued sunset
And when the dark falls
I know it's time to cry

And tomorrow maybe, I'll die

IRIS

2009-05-08T01:36:00.000-07:00

after the rain
and the deluge,
the coldness
and numbness,
the lightning
and the thunder,
the dangers
and jeopardies,
the mist, the fog
the blindness and tears,
the melancholies,
the pain and fears,

there's YOU.

and then
i'm fine again.

*IRIS - the personification of the rainbow

Monsoon:

2009-05-08T01:35:00.000-07:00

Upwards i look
and i see nothing
but pitch-blackness
no glittering stars
no shining crescent moon
just an overcast sky

Then it began raining again
drop by drop, splatter by splatter
descending thorugh my face,
to my nose, to my lips
and i tasted its
bitterness,
sorrows and
miseries

And i realized
it was my tears
it was my own...

MIRAGE

2009-05-08T01:34:00.002-07:00

i kissed you
gently at first
then gaining momentum
intensifying at each moment

your tongue moved through
my palate and it tasted sweet
your breath pulsated fast
i saw the blood rushing through you

you gave in just as i did
we seemed lost in that second
we fought hard of our feelings
we let it linger for a while

then i let my senses explore
past your contours and detours
till i reached the zenith
of your very whole being

there, i marveled at your beauty
and once again, i was in reverie
though, all became but a blur
'till the darkness finally took over

it was black
you were gone

FOR(n)EVER

2009-05-08T01:34:00.001-07:00

'i loved you then
as i do now
always and forever.'

it sounded so true
when you said it
it looked so fine
when you wrote it
it could have been
better though
(much better)
when you acted it out

but, of course,
you didn't
and you'll never do

for all that's left
are words

mere words...

words so easily
said and written
words that lose meaning
as time reads it
again and again
words, like dust,
wasted and forgotten

words that never
really existed
words i should have
never believed in

because...
words are never true
only lies
and broken promises are

Tell Me (Now)

2009-05-08T01:33:00.000-07:00

stroke my hair again

tell me nothing smoother exists

sing to me once more your songs

tell me i still am the melody

kiss my lips for the last time

tell me you miss it like crazy

hold my hand again that tight

tell me there's no breaking loose

now, wake me up and let my eyes open

tell me how everything had been pointless

give me now a pinch or a slap maybe

tell me that i had only been dreaming

look into my eyes once more

and that you'll never have to look again

tell me how you never ever did love me

tell me what we had was purely nothing

LTD. engagement

2009-05-08T01:32:00.000-07:00

your name and how it's spelled
your aura and the strength it held
your soul and how innocent it can be
your mind and how it enthralled me
your magic and how it had me captured
your mystery, how weird and how absurd
your thoughts and how i crave to know more
your emotions, how i wanted to see all
your everything, how they make your whole
all the details and bits down to your core
your face and how perfect it seemed
its features and how they shine in the dim
your eyes and how they stared hard
your nose crafted faultlessly like art
your cheeks, your dimples, your chin
your lips and how they paint a grin
your ears and how you listened
your tongue and the words it had spoken
your hair and its feel, unforgettable
your scent that's so irresistible
your fingers and how gently they touch
your hands and how they reached out
your arms and how they offered me guard
your shoulders that provided me warmth
your skin and how it feels on mine
your reflexes that're so one-of-a-kind
your contours and how nicely they fit
your breath, the pressure and its heat
your heartbeat and how it sounded
your your voice and how it got me astounded
the blood inside your veins that ran crazily
the hormones that almost had me dizzy
your complexities, radioactive as radium
your tricks that put me into delirium
you and how i never had enough of such
you.. just you.. and how i like you much

2 + 1

2009-05-08T01:31:00.000-07:00

nakapiit, nakakadena

ang alab pilit kumakawala

pinapaso, inuupos lalo

sinusunog na parang abo

may kirot, may hapdi

bawat kislot at dampi

mahirap, nakakapagod

mabigat ang bawat hatak at hagod

may binubulong, may dinadaing

makahulugan ang bawat tingin

inuubos, kinukunsomo

kabuuan ng diwa't pagkatao

pinupukaw, nag-uumapaw

uhaw ang s'yang nangingibabaw

binabalot, wari'y kinukulong

nawawalang saysay ang dunong

pagkatapos, pagka-apula ng apoy

balik sa dati, huhupa ang panaghoy

di sinasadya, lalong di nagkataon

ito ang triangulong hinabi ng panahon

DOughNuTs

2009-05-08T01:29:00.000-07:00

when you flash that cheshire smile
i begin to wander away from time
'cause you set the shivers up my spine
and take the air out of my windpipe
i always want to be closer to you
have your smile and wipe away my blues
touch your dimples, see how deep they are
and marvel how your teeth shine like stars

i. LIKE. you. but i don't love you.

when you let your hand touch my cheeks
i begin to melt swifter than cheese
'cause you get my hormones running quick
and set the whole of me in fiery shrieks
i always want you to fire me up
have you next to me, give me enough
satiate my hunger and quench my thirst
be my partner in this drama unrehearsed

i. DESIRE. you. and i don't love you.

when you stare so hard into my eyes
i begin to daydream and fantasize
'cause you just let me be mesmerized
and from the pain, anaesthesized
i always want you to stare a little longer
and have my digits between your fingers
brush our elbows, stargaze together
and lay my head gently on your shoulder

i. CARE. for. you. yet i don't love you.

just like. only desire. merely care.
not love. never yet. never there.

crazILY

2009-05-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

this is crazy, you know;
goodbyes before any hellos,
ending something we never started,
letting go something we never held

it was crazier, though
hating how i now wanted you
thinking, all those once upon a time's
had no happily ever after's in line

realizing my foolishness was craziest
hopelessly hoping for something else
giving you the right to open up and break me
and then after the pain, letting you free

you still have my thanks, you know
for the lesson i've gotten from you
that flings are not to be enjoyed
short-lived fantasies do us no good

thanks for making me crazy
i enjoyed the ride, really

my twenty-six rhymes for you

2009-05-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

every single smile is sweeter.
grunts and frowns became lesser.
every day is more joyful.
my nights are more blissful.
my darkness transformed into light.
my feebleness turned to might.
each victory is more gratifying.
every defeat, less disheartening.
every wrong i did was disregarded.
every right one, appreciated.
i cried, i wept, i mourned no longer.
now i laugh and giggle, i’m a lot happier.
pain, sufferings– i learned to fear not.
i learned to be strong; to never give up.
my past didn’t matter any more.
for what really counts now is the future.
i care not what others tell
i only care about you, nothing else.
high mountains became just but hills.
vast oceans became just but streams.
death is no longer a hindrance.
for heaven is but an inch away from us.

we’re no longer two, but one.
we’ll last not forever but beyond.

it’s but love and destiny.
you and me, eternally.

the eaglet's twitter

2009-05-08T01:24:00.000-07:00

i am an eagle.
i am free.
i fly high as far as your eyes can ever see.

i am an eagle.
i am akin to power.
i am unsurpassable, unparalleled and unconquerable.

i am an eagle.
i am ever-seeing.
i see even the most minute and most trivial of things.

i am an eagle.
i am with might.
i am unperturbed by heat or rain or any height.

i am an eagle.
i maybe strong but fragile still.
i cry, i sigh, i surrender, i fall down, i fear.

i am an eagle.
no matter what, i will always be.
through forever, come whatever, ‘till eternity.

yes, i am an eagle.
and i have no wings.

i am a Boy Scout.

Post Script

2009-05-08T01:23:00.001-07:00

Wop,

How I long I could tell this to you;
Without putting it into a verse or two.
But what could I do? I’m just afraid.
I guess it’s better done than said.

I know you felt it when I looked at you;
When I winked, I smiled, I waved hello.
Or when you talked & I wasn’t listening,
Only for you to catch me staring.

Yes, I know you had your girl.
You were too earnest telling me about her.
Her smiles, her eyes, her voice, everything
How you love her, how you’ll do anything.

You thought I was happy seeing you two.
Thought I was ok when I talked with you.
Thought I was fine when I laughed.
But truth is, deep within, I was not.

Oh yes, there’s something different.
I know you knew; but chose not to mind it.
I was your friend, or so you thought.
I was just like that, but you were wrong.

I’m hurt when I see you with her,
Thinking your hands rightfully belongs there.
I’m broken when you look at her eyes,
Believing she’s yours ‘now and for all time.’

But then, I’m happy to see you glad,
I feel contented to see you safe in her hands,
And I shall dream your dream with you.
Forever, your happiness will be mine, too...

So long. I hope you’re fine.
I love you.

Kim

weirdo

2009-05-08T01:22:00.000-07:00

clouding up my thoughts
driving me into confusion
giving me the creeps
pulling me beneath oblivion
touching me deep within
dragging me down beyond
taking every breath away
spinning me around
stopping each heartbeat
blinding up my vision
slowing down my responses
painting my horizons
gushing innocence out
fueling illusions fast
dominating over my senses
hexing skies overcast
propelling me past insanity
inducing unconsciousness
yet here, loving you still and more
'with you' spells 'my only happiness'

POLLeng

2009-05-08T01:17:00.000-07:00

pass by me
cheer me in a second
gone by the next tick
leaving me abandoned

a blink of an eye
make my wish come real
then in a flicker
hopelessness then i feel

beautiful but just so tragic
like a shooting star you've been
here now then gone later
wishing i had never seen